Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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