I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
