6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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