Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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