Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He passed out mid-signature
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
