The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
