do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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