Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
