I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
