Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
