So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
