dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
