At least make sure they are 18
Why
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
