I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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