respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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