I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
