Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
