Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
