an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
