if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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