Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
