Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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