I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I deserve this hangover.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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