look no pants
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
