i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Green mimosas i think yes
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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