Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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