I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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