you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
