I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
