That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
