Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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