reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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