Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
