Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
