I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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