Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
