i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Are my feet made of real feet?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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