if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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