I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
