I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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