there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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