before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
