I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
