I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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