just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
