I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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