mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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