Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
