I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
