I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
