I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
