Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
