he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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