im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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